you know, it occurs to me that a lot of blogs write about current events. there are entire sites dedicated to politics. and news. and. stuff. those are some witty and smart people. some of them are breaking top news stories the big guys aren’t even getting. these bloggers are getting some attention and being interviewed by the likes of CNN and Fox News. i’ve never been interviewed by Fox! they’ve never asked me to sit in as a correspondent. what am i doing wrong? hey. remember that time i told you guys the story about, about when kaileb caught me saying the “eff” word? huh? remember that? that’s some gritty stuff!

neh. so i’m going to sell out to the man, man. i’m going to discuss current events and bring you the hard hitting stories that rocked our world. see here:

today, when i got to work they were all huddled around the radio because apparently there were a lot of important! things! happening! someone solved world hunger! hooray! someone found a cure for cancer! awesome! someone discovered another species of man living deep in the amazon rain forest who hadn’t ever heard of michael jackson and didn’t even know they were going to announce the verdict in the michael jackson trial. crazy! the former two news items are buried somewhere in your local news, between obituaries and bad reviews of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. all we crazy americans *really* care about is the latter. natch.

so anyway, i remember on 9/11 it was the same way. everyone was all huddled around the one radio in the office listening intently. we’re like a throwback to the stone ages in that office. i left the radio party and looked it up on streaming video on my computer because i’m a glutton for punishment and every once in a while i like to play this game called, “what new thing is it this week that makes me wish i could revoke my membership in the human race and go join a colony on Mars?” i know. the title needs work or Milton Bradley will never go for it.

so i’m watching and waiting even though i knew what it was going to be. and ha! i so called that one. if i was on Fox, i’d be all like, “in your face, basket case! i knew they’d let the nutter off!” i’d be all doing the funky chicken on the air and dissing everybody on camera and sticking my tongue out and wagging it at all the “correspondents” who were saying he was going down and i’d be all like, “you’re the one going DOWN, CLOWN.” then i’d spin them really hard in their chair until they got dizzy and had to call hair and makeup because their hairpieces fell off into their water pitchers…

uhm, so back to my report. the verdicts were read, the nutter left the courtroom, the jurors were debriefed and given silkwood showers or whatever it is they do to jurors and then released. then they were going blah blah blah and someone said the jurors might speak, but are reluctant to do so. which, when translated for people who aren’t hard-hitting journalists like me, that means: they are reluctant to speak unless they get paid a healthy sum of money for it.

then this one man who, really let’s be honest, i have no clue who he was but he must have been someone important because he was giving a press conference and there were all these microphones shoved in his face and they broke into their coverage of MJ’s SUV driving slowly, oh so slowly on the freeway to show him speaking into the microphone, but that doesn’t matter because i still didn’t catch who he was…and i missed most of what he said because it was pretty boring. but he did say that now the nation can move on. again, i’ll translate for you in layman’s terms. what he meant was: we, as a nation, can move on after every man, woman, child, and pet has the opportunity to blog about it, be interviewed about it, make a tv movie, big-screen movie, internet movie, ipod movie, satire movie, and book deal about it, and/or milk it in some form or fashion for the next 6 mos to a year or until the next big thing or something stupid and/or sensationalistic comes along to grab our attentions ala terri schiavo or popewatch…whichever comes first. (did you note the hypocrisy there as i blog about this? you did? good!)

then there were some interviews with jesse jackson. he said something about something. hell if i know. he was all, “we don’t need anymore of that inye-endoh floatin’ around heah. and nowah the hilling process must beginah.” translation: wtf? how do i know? it’s jesse jackson for pete sake.

then jesse said he’s known michael since MJ was just eight years old. oh yeah? something you want to tell us there, jesse? i don’t know about you, but lights came on for me everywhere. wink wink, nudge nudge, what what.

then i got bored and stopped watching for awhile. i’m not that dedicated, really. still. i think the anchor offers will start rolling in any day now…

i then invited a legal expert for his take on the whole thing. if you’re wondering what makes him an expert (because i’m always wondering what makes those people expert correspondents and they never tell me. they just say, “joining us now is expert legal correspondent blah blah blah and how do i know? they could very well just be burger flippers at mcdonalds for all i freaking know) i’ll tell you it’s because he goes to the courthouse to pay for his license tabs every year. so he’s been to a courthouse. also, i think he might have been arrested. maybe more than once. he’s a thug. so he knows a thing or two about the legal system.

Kim: we were talking about the jackson verdict
Matt: im actually in support of the verdicts. i thought the case was weak at best and the accuser was obviously a scammer tainted by his scammer mother
Kim: obviously
Matt: most thought the alcohol/minors thing would fly though. out of 10 charges the odds were that one would stick
Matt: i was surprised he got off completely
Kim: it’s ridiculous.
Kim: some guy is holding up a sign that says, “michael, on behalf of mankind. we’re sorry.”
Kim: don’t apologize for me. i didn’t do anything wrong.
Matt: right, like he didnt deserve the scrutiny or ask for scammers to target him. he practically begged to be called on it
Kim: WE didn’t deserve to foot the bill for a costly legal battle to be drawn out like this. we didn’t deserve the fucking media circus it’s become.
Kim: we are own worse goddamn enemy
Matt: yeah, and also charge that mom with endangering a child if its that obvious he was a molester.
Matt: and can that DA too, wasting 4 mil and 2 years plus trying this weakass case
Matt: and also we have to listen to jesse jackson whore himself on newsmedia shows now
Kim: oh god. don’t get me started. and the fucking jurors who will now go on to suckle at the teat that is their god-given fifteen minutes of fame? kill me now.
Kim: a book deal here. a movie of the week there. reality show contestant of the minute over there.
Matt: right…and now we’re on the lookout for the next story
Matt: the next runaway bride, the next indignity on display
Kim: “how i survived as juror number 3 on the OJ jur– i mean Jackson trial”
Matt: lol
Matt: at least there would have been no riots. white weirdos dont riot
Kim: oh god. this guy i saw when they read the verdict. he was all over there with his arms in the air waving em around like he just don’t care.
Kim: but he was wearing a three piece business suit.
Kim: he was the whitest cracker i’ve ever seen.
Kim: and i’m thinking, this guy. this fucking guy. he did it in the backseat of his parent’s yugo to “pretty young thing” or something and now he’s just having this deeply religious experience right out here in front of god and everybody and shouldn’t he be embarrassed? cause, you know. i’m kind of embarrassed for him.
Kim: either that or he’s a kiddie toucher too and he thinks a win for mike is a win for kiddie touchers everywhere.
Kim: but maybe i’m just bitter. what do you think? over to you, matt.
Matt: oh, bitter’s not the word. these people could at least state the obvious and admit that he’s a freak
Matt: yeah these people are like the crazed fans that get spit on by motley crue and dont wash their face for two weeks. touch me, michael! I can pretend im a young boy!