when the boys were wee littler i had a chair in the kitchen set off from the other chairs. if they were naughty they had to sit in that chair for a timeout and i’d tell them to think about what they’d done. i’m not really one of those new-age moms. you know the ones. you see the kid hanging upside down from the rafters with spaghetti in his hair and a feral glint in his eye and his parents are all like, “now rainriver moonbeam, what did mommy tell you about expressing your emotions negatively? i think you need a timeout to get in touch with this bad karma!”
a timeout was just as much for me as it was for them. it allowed me a few minutes to regroup when realizing my 4 year old had just poured pancake syrup into the CD player because, hey, the little tray is round and it looks like a pancake.
so i’m thinking. i should be allowed to carry a timeout chair with me everywhere i go. this is really the only thing that will insure i stay out of jail. i think i should be allowed to put people in timeout at will regardless of age, sex, or station in life. it’s for their own good.
and mine.
you just think about what you’ve done.
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A Woman's Manifesto
Because a woman’s work is never done.
and is underpaid, or unpaid, or boring, or repetitious,
and we’re the first to get fired,
and what we look like is more important than what we do.
And if we get raped its our fault
and if we get beaten we must have provoked it
and if we raise our voices we’re nagging bitches
and if we enjoy sex we’re nymphos
and if we don’t we’re frigid
and if we love women it’s because we can’t get a real man
and if we ask our doctor too many questions we’re neurotic or pushy
and if we expect childcare we’re selfish
and if we stand up for our rights we’re aggressive and un-feminine
and if we don’t we’re typical weak females
and if we want to get married we’re out to trap a man
and if we don’t we’re unnatural
and because we still can’t get an adequate, safe contraceptive, but men can walk on the moon
and if we can’t cope or don’t want a pregnancy we’re made to feel guilty about abortion
and for lots and lots of other reasons
we are part of the women’s liberation movement.- Joyce Stevens, International Woman’s Day, 1975.
Man Vs. Heart Attack
I am somewhat worried about the dude on Man v Food. He isn’t looking so good these days and putting that food away like that can’t be good for him.
You can come out when you’ve decided to behave like a good little girl.
I think I’d probably spend a lot of time on that chair myself at the moment
aw anji. i won’t let you go in the chair! i’ll give you a lolly instead and even let you stay up late to watch cartoons!
ishmael however. he’ll probably never see life outside that chair again.