one of the best things about being a parent is never having to make sense. when the boys come to me with monumental problems and questions and i don’t know the answer i can throw out a cliche and, to them, it’s not a cliche at all because they’ve probably never heard it. they scratch their heads and go, “hunh?” and then i can appear all wise and go, “exactly! you go and think on that one awhile.”
kaileb: “mom, momma! how come the sky is blue!?”
me: “good things come to those who wait.”
jacob:”mom, how do birds fly?”
me:”ohh good question! you know what? a stitch in time, saves nine!”
boys:”momma! jacob just pushed me” “did not” “did too” “did not” “did too!”
me:”ah. yeah. right. okay. beauty is only skin deep, boys.”
and sometimes, i can just bust out movie lines. they don’t know.
kaileb:”mom, mom! jacob says he doesn’t like girls, but every recess he chases this one girl around and yanks her braids and tries to sit by her and stuff.”
me:”uh huh. it’s a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.”
kaileb:”what?!?”
me:”i know! right?”
of course, this means my kids spend a lot of time looking things up in encyclopedias and dictionaries or figuring it out for themselves. but the look of utter confusion on their faces for that split second is a joy i wouldn’t deny myself for all the good parenting in the world.*
*naturally, i kid. if any liberal mommy blogger nutjob with a hardon for stamping out child abuse on the web reads this and gets her tampon in a twist because she actually thinks i neglect my children in any way shape or form, she can just get over her sexually frigid and morally superior self and go back to her own blog to continue writing her one millioneth post about what color rainbow-jackson moonbeam’s baby poop is this week. we’re doing just fine here. i repeat, you do NOT need to hunt me down and turn us over to the authorities. thank you.
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5 Responses to parenting 101
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A Woman's Manifesto
Because a woman’s work is never done.
and is underpaid, or unpaid, or boring, or repetitious,
and we’re the first to get fired,
and what we look like is more important than what we do.
And if we get raped its our fault
and if we get beaten we must have provoked it
and if we raise our voices we’re nagging bitches
and if we enjoy sex we’re nymphos
and if we don’t we’re frigid
and if we love women it’s because we can’t get a real man
and if we ask our doctor too many questions we’re neurotic or pushy
and if we expect childcare we’re selfish
and if we stand up for our rights we’re aggressive and un-feminine
and if we don’t we’re typical weak females
and if we want to get married we’re out to trap a man
and if we don’t we’re unnatural
and because we still can’t get an adequate, safe contraceptive, but men can walk on the moon
and if we can’t cope or don’t want a pregnancy we’re made to feel guilty about abortion
and for lots and lots of other reasons
we are part of the women’s liberation movement.- Joyce Stevens, International Woman’s Day, 1975.
Man Vs. Heart Attack
I am somewhat worried about the dude on Man v Food. He isn’t looking so good these days and putting that food away like that can’t be good for him.
My sentiments exactly–I especially like that moonbeam-jackson tampon in a twist thingy…
You go girl!
MM
that’s cause you’re mean. and rubbing off on me. now i have to do something to repair my bad karma. bad troy, bad!
My karma ran over your dogma.
Heh.
MM
I think you’re right. Rob’s ‘mother’ was always so kind to him he always gets his cliches in a twist. I used to amaze my three by singing a song on any subject they could name.
oh they love my singing, anji. the only thing better is that when they were younger and they would argue, i would make them hug and sing the barney song until they felt they could get over their disagreements without me.
“i looove you. you loveeee me. we’re a happy family! with a great BIG hug and a kisss from me to you! wontchoo say you love. me. tooooo.”