so my boys have this habit of beating hell out of me when we’re in the car and they see a slug bug. or vw bug. or whatever they call them in your part of the world. but i never see them. we’ll be riding down the road and suddenly i hear “SLUG BUG, RED!” and i’m pelted on the arm. and then they frantically gesture in the direction of the car and there it is in all its glory and i get out of the car 1/2 an hour later with 2.5 million bruises. but i never see them. never ever ever ever!

if i do see them the boys aren’t in the car with me. so i holler out “SLUG BUG, BLACK!” to an empty car. or, if by some miracle, i do see one and they’re in the car with me (as happened recently) i get so excited that i either wet myself and can’t form a complete thought or i stumble over the proper phrase and lose out because apparently you HAVE to say the words SLUG BUG and then the color. and by stumbling over those seemingly easy words i’ve only managed to alert them to the presence of a slug bug and while i’m trying to untangle my tongue, they’ve scouted out the car, punched me, and moved on to looking for the next one. so i go “SLUG BRED BUD RED!” while frantically motioning and trying to maintain control of the wheel and meanwhile Kaileb goes “SLUG BUG, RED”, punched me, and then moved on while i was still stuck on the “BRED” part.

one of the other “rules” of slug bugging is that the person you slug has to see the slug bug in question before you can slug them or it doesn’t count. and you can’t refuse to see the car. you can’t refuse to turn your head and look or look away in dogged determination. “what slug bug? all i saw was a pinto!” you might say in desperation. i have a backup son for that. jacob will see a slug bug, slug me and i will say, “but i didn’t see it!” and kaileb will say, “nice try, mama, i saw it. good one, jake!” and they will high five each other, laugh their wicked laughs, rub their hands together, and commence looking for the next one.

dude. seriously, i’ve thought about going into a parental abuse program or something.

but have no fear.

since i’m forever seeing a million and three slug bugs and hollerin’ “slug bug!” to an empty car which clearly does me no good whatsoever, i’ve decided my only recourse is to travel at all times with my digital camera. i will from now on forego the common sense of safe driving and concern myself ONLY with looking for and snapping photos of slug bugs. if, for some reason, i happen to forget my digital camera or the batteries die or the CF card is full, i will simply use the camera on my cell phone. that’s the only use i can think of for the camera on my cell phone anyway. i will forget all traffic laws. i will run stop signs. i will go out of my way to track down slug bugs. i will do whatever it takes to get photos of slug bugs from now on.

but i won’t tell the boys of this fiendish plan right away.

oh no.

i plan to stockpile a thousand photos of slug bugs. then, when they least expect it i will unleash a torrent of slugs on them. i will beat them black and blue. i will sit them in front of the computer or dvd player for slide show slugapallooza and show them no mercy. i will say to them several thousand times, “SLUG BUG, BLUE!” “SLUG BUG, YELLOW!” “SLUG BUG, BLACK – CONVERTIBLE TWO POINTS – IN YOUR FACE!!!!!” “SLUG BUG, GREEN, with FLAMES” and they will know my wrath. and all will be right in the world.

and on that day. yes. on that day i can die a happy mom. because that my friends, that is the true joy of parenting.