i’ve had the same headache for roughly two weeks. it comes in waves. it weakens and strenghtens in severity. it does not rock the casbah.
if this were a movie i’d be dead by now. you know how in movies the first sign of an oscar is a cough or a headache? that’s when you reach for the kleenex or your boyfriend’s jacket or whatever’s closest to blow your nose into. that’s when you can guarandamntee someone’s going to bite the bullet. nobody ever coughs or gets a headache in a movie unless they’re going to keel over dead. of course, people never eat or sleep in movies either. unless it’s essential to the plot.
so i figure what with the two week headache and the fact that now i’m having phantom tastes as well, like orange juice tastes like dish soap and bagels taste like dish soap and pretty much everything tastes like dish soap and i don’t have an appetite anymore anyway so who cares about that? i guess i probably have a brain tumor. not that i’m a fatalist or anything.
i should probably go have that checked out. and i will! right after the holidays. why ruin a good time? dish soap-flavored turkey is the bestest! besides, if i wait, it’ll better my chances for an oscar.
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8 Responses to i’m dying!
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A Woman's Manifesto
Because a woman’s work is never done.
and is underpaid, or unpaid, or boring, or repetitious,
and we’re the first to get fired,
and what we look like is more important than what we do.
And if we get raped its our fault
and if we get beaten we must have provoked it
and if we raise our voices we’re nagging bitches
and if we enjoy sex we’re nymphos
and if we don’t we’re frigid
and if we love women it’s because we can’t get a real man
and if we ask our doctor too many questions we’re neurotic or pushy
and if we expect childcare we’re selfish
and if we stand up for our rights we’re aggressive and un-feminine
and if we don’t we’re typical weak females
and if we want to get married we’re out to trap a man
and if we don’t we’re unnatural
and because we still can’t get an adequate, safe contraceptive, but men can walk on the moon
and if we can’t cope or don’t want a pregnancy we’re made to feel guilty about abortion
and for lots and lots of other reasons
we are part of the women’s liberation movement.- Joyce Stevens, International Woman’s Day, 1975.
Man Vs. Heart Attack
I am somewhat worried about the dude on Man v Food. He isn’t looking so good these days and putting that food away like that can’t be good for him.
So, have you checked to see what dish soap tastes like?
youve heard me talk. believe me, i know from way back what dish soap tastes like.
oh. haha. i get it. you’ll have to excuse me. the brain tumor is making me slow on the uptake.
no, but i suspect it tastes like a combination of orange juice, turkey and bagels. i’ll let you know!
it could be a sinus headache,,,,turning into an infuction,,,,,,they make everything pretty nasty too…yah??!!!
for a change of pace, take a bite out of a lava soap bar….it’s crunchy….for days…and cleans and scrubs that lingering plaque too!
insert the word “taste” after everything now it makes sense huh? it’s not a tooooomur!!!
it’s a tumah! leave an old woman to her delusions before dying. and you’re right. this lava soap bar is delicious and it tastes like chicken!
i guess it must be slow at work to respond that quickly…Oh, I forgot, you have “different” priorities….chicken fricasse’..that is…
Dare I ask if you are p-r-e-g-n-, no, perhaps you need your eyes tested.