i’m all for the kindness of man. i am. i really, really am. i’m all for peace, love and brotherhood. no. really!

but flying cuntsuckers. there are some people who test this in me. there are some people who walk this earth who just make it impossible for me to resist ripping off their heads and vomiting down the gaping holes where their heads once rested.

witness: a certain person who shall remain nameless but shall be referred to simply as: my own personal version of hell. mopvh is today, for the second time, wearing socks with bells on them. she thinks they are just the most adorable things ever! they jingle when she walks. jingle jangle she goes when she walks around the office. and ohhh they have little kitty cats on them. isn’t that precious?? i wonder how she would feel if i were to suddenly trip her, grab a hacksaw and cut her feet off at the ankles leaving nothing but bloody little stumps in place of those adorable little kitty cat socks with the jingle bells that annoy the bloody fuck out of me? i’d delight in watching her crawl, footless, around the office mourning the loss of her feet and the damn socks while i buried them deep in the trash bin out back where they belong.

that’s kind, right? that’s peace, love and brotherhood, yeah?

and she’s a mouth breather. i mean, i think she’s a dear sweet person most of the time, don’t get me wrong. i don’t really wish her dead or anything. it’s just that she annoys hell out of me. she breathes through her mouth. always making these noises. the office is quiet most of the time. peaceful. the way i like it. except for her. over there sounding like she’s in a fucking porno. breathing heavy and making all these goddamn mouth noises. and god almighty don’t get me started on when she eats. yesterday she had chicken at her desk and i literally had to leave the office to keep from beating her to death with a stapler.

okay, plus. she has an annoying voice. a really, really REALLY annoying voice. sometimes she talks like a baby. a littly itty bitty baby voice that i guess she thinks is cute and charming. but i hate to be the one to inform her that she’s nearly fifty and women who are nearly fifty with a hundred miles of rough road all up and down their face just can’t pull off cutsie baby voices. it doesn’t work. and then other times her voice is really loud and rough. as in, i can’t fucking hear myself think she’s so loud and rough. it’s nasally and loud as fuck. like she’s in a bar and fighting to be heard over the crowd loud.

i think i might be in trouble. i don’t think i believe in peace and love at all! i said flying cuntsuckers for pete sake! i’m fantasizing about killing her RIGHT NOW. she’s on the phone. i think i’m going to go hurt her now. i could sneak up behind her and wrap the cord around her neck…you didn’t see a thing…