my son said “piss” yesterday. as in, “that pisses me off!” or maybe, “that’s a real pisser!” but probably not cause that’s a new england expression and he’s never been. or perhaps, “are you taking the piss?” but i doubly doubt it cause that’s a british idiom and he’s never been there either. i have, and will, at times, break into hysterical bouts of english rants until the boys both go, “mom, you’re doing it again.” and then i find myself and say, “right then. carry on.” but that’s not the point. not everything is about me. only most everything.

so he said “piss” in some form yesterday. i know this because this old hag who has a condition known as “cantmindherownbidnessitis” was kind enough to inform me. to which i replied, “oh, okay.” to which she replied, “well?” to which i thought, “what? what does she want me to do? beat the child? poke him in the eyes with hot needles? stick little toothpicks under his skin, light them on fire and sit with her while we watch them burn? just what will satisfy this dried up old cunt who can’t mind her damn own?” but what i actually said was, “well, thanks for telling me.” and what she said to ME was, “pft! kids! no respect. watch that,” she said “that’ll lead to trouble!…blah blah blah blah blah…” at which point my eyes glazed over and i went away to my happy place while she lectured me on what’s wrong with the world today. apparently what’s wrong with the world today has a lot to do with 11 year olds saying the word “piss”.

okay, so look. i have a pretty pottified mouth. the worst. i can out-swear a drunken sailor in a card game with a pocket full of cash on shore leave. and so it always was. but i’m not out robbing banks. i’ve yet to knock over a liquor store. i’ve not gone on a single murderous rampage. i may have wanted to half a dozen (okay, hundred dozen) times, sure. but i’ve never actually done it. i leave it all in fantasy land where it belongs. deep, deep in my loveliest fantasies…uh, but i digress. the point is that i’m no worse for the wear just because sometimes (okay, everytime) i open my mouth a torrent of profanity escapes. it’s not like i’m a bad person. i’m kind. i’m decent. i help my fellow man. sometimes. occasionally. (okay, ONCE) but the point is, it’s not the worst thing in the world a person can do is all. so i finally got fed up with the lecture from noseyoldladyland and told her so.

“look” i say, “no, shut up and listen. he’s a good boy. no, he’s a really good boy. he rarely if ever gets in trouble and he’s extremely thoughtful and kind and he goes out of his way to help other people and he’s talented and cute and if the worst thing i have to worry about is a little damn bitch shit piss goddamn profanity, then lady, i think i’m pretty fucking lucky.” not minding your own business. that’s what’s wrong with the world today.