this one time when i was running drugs through the mexico border, i met up with this guy called tito who had been badly scarred in a boating accident. his boat blew up due to Foul Play and he barely escaped with his life. all the same, most of his body was covered in scars so everyone called him lizard cause that’s sort of what he looked like but only no one called him that to his face cause he was mean and nasty and he’d break you in two if he heard it and no one likes being broken in two.

at the time i was traveling with this whore named conchita who knew the back roads really well and she had an “in” with tito because she was the only one who could look him in the face without losing her lunch; mostly because she had been around the block so many times basically every part of her body was pretty much completely numb so she had this total apathy about everything. tito loved that whore like he loved his coke. which is to say a whole lot.

so we got in and we got out and everything was fine but i kept my eyes averted and tito was i guess offended that i wouldn’t look at him. but what could i do? he looked pretty rough and i have a weak stomach. his face looked like a melted tire impaled on a stick. then about a mile or two maybe a little more from our destination tito drops his backpack and tells us to stop. and stopping i don’t like. cause when you’re running drugs it’s really kind of important that you keep moving. but when a guy like tito the lizard man says stop you probably really should. so we did. there are things scarier than going to jail. like finding yourself by the side of the road in two pieces in the dark of the night.

so he walked up to me and says, ” joo don’t like my face do joo?”

and i looked everywhere but at his face and lied through my teeth and said, “oh haha. yeah no, there’s why no of course i do why would you say that?”

and then he said, “mentirosa!” which means liar in spanish,”then look at me!”

and i threw up a little in my mouth. i looked like a woman having a seizure. my head was lolling all over the place cause i was looking all around me, everywhere. then i could see conchita chewing gum, bored out of her skull. conchita doesn’t care if a person is snapped in two in front of her eyes. she just wants to drop her backpack off and get back to her regularly scheduled programming. so, because i didn’t want to be snapped in two and because i didn’t want to stand on the side of the road with a backpack full of blow any longer waiting for the policia to come snap us up, i decided to role play. i decided to pretend i was conchita, the numb whore from mexico who couldn’t care less if his head was a melted tire on a stick or not. i’m just here to do a job. so i looked him square in the eyes and smiled my best tired whore smile. and he smiled back. and he had beautiful white teeth and very kind eyes set inside his poor melted head and i felt very bad for throwing up when i looked at him.

then he said, “ahh i knew it. joo want me. jes like the rest.” and then we finally moved on. that was the point i decided i should probably find a new profession. tito saved me from a life of prison. probably. but i’m still young.

i’m only kidding — his name wasn’t really tito.