i’m not a femi-nazi lunatic. not generally. i mean, i’m all for equal rights for women so long as we end up doing what The Men tell us to. and i really think, you know, everyone should be treated the same. regardless of whether they have dangly bits or an innie. but in no way do i hate men. quite the opposite, really. i love them. and their dangly bits.

however, there’s a breed of man i find particularly dangerous. this is he of the silver tongue. the one who spouts off rhetoric of oozing political correctness and sympathetic drivel of the feminist movement variety. oh, how i loathe him to the depths of my black and shriveled heart!

i like a man i can pigeon hole into one category or another. i like a man i can look at and say, “that man’s alright. he’s a good guy. he has his moments — he’s human, sure. he makes mistakes, puts his pants on one leg at a time, but overall i think he’s a good guy and i respect him.”

but also i like a man i can look at and say, “jesus, what a pig. if the earth’s population was wiped out tomorrow and we were the last two people left alive and humanity depended on us for the survival of the species they could just bloody well forget it because i wouldn’t fuck him with somebody else’s cunt! he’s that disgusting and repulsive to me. he has none of the traits i find admirable in a man.”

but still, i like him because i know that about him! it’s evident. it’s knowledge that’s readily available and he doesn’t try to hide it or pretend to be something he’s not. he wears his wife beater tee shirt with the beer stains proudly. he takes a certain degree of pride in the fact that he’s a troglodyte and he challenges anyone to try to usurp his role as the undisputed king of ignorance and blinding chauvinism.

but those other boys, they’re bad news! they’re the ones you really have to look out for cause they like to come across as The One On Your Side when really, they’re the devil in disguise. these are the men who are so threatened by women they choke on it late at night when no one is around to see their misery. around the office they make pretty words that sound like, ‘i’m all for the advancement of women in the workplace!’ but the storm raging behind their face says, ‘die, bitch, die!’ they tell you in private that they find the misogynistic jokes the other men in the office pass around to be juvenile and offensive — not at all funny, but then they make countless offensive comments to you that border on psychotic in their glaring hatred for anything with a vagina. then they feign ignorance when you confront them with your anger. “wha? who? me? i had no idea!”

these guys are dangerous because you don’t know what you’re getting. it’s not like pig-man who is so clearly a pig and proud of it. it’s not like the good guy who is a guy and also good. it’s a mystery! and a scary one! one minute they’re On Your Side and the next they’re Twisting the Knife. it’s all cloak and dagger and none of it is above board. you have to constantly watch your back and wonder what the motivation is behind every move. you can never let your guard down and you must always take everything with a grain of salt and you should probably sleep with one eye open and perhaps, as an added measure of security, a loaded weapon or maybe a sharp butcher knife.

in short, these aren’t really men at all. but in reality, these are women. disguised as men.

i hope you’ve learned something here today. class dismissed.