when i was in sixth grade there was a boy called brandon who reminded me a lot of tom hanks. now i mean. not then. i didn’t know tom hanks from jesus when i was in the sixth grade of course. but when i think about him now i think, “tom hanks” every time.

memory is a funny thing.

anyway, brandon used to do this thing at recess. this really funny thing where he would chase me around the playground with one of those red licorice jump ropes. have you ever seen one? they look like 6 ft strands of red licorice with handles, basically. his favorite thing to do was to lick my legs with the jump rope. cause i always wore skirts, see? on a account of our being southern baptists and all. so he would chase me into a corner and then ZING! he’d lash me with that goddamn jump rope across my thighs or calves and i’d scream and run again. that fucker hurt like hell. he did this cause he liked me. or so they say. he also liked to pull my hair, but his favorite, favorite thing was to grab a jump rope from the bucket at the beginning of recess and chase me until the end. i hoped every day that the jump ropes would all be gone before he got to the bucket. but they never were. it didn’t matter if i hid. it didn’t matter if i ran. he always found me. he always caught me. and he never once got caught himself.

this one time i fell while he was chasing me. i went face down in the grass and then he was right over me and i knew i was in trouble. so he basically sat on top of me and tied my hands together with this jump rope. then he pulled my skirt up. then he called other boys over to look at my panties cause 12 year old boys live for seeing girls and their panties and seeing them together was an added bonus. meanwhile i writhed around in the grass trying to untie my hands, saying things good southern baptist girls aren’t really supposed to say.

and the teachers on the playground? well, i think they all hid in some obscure corner somewhere smoking cigarettes because i swear i never saw a single one patrolling the grounds my entire sixth grade year.

so basically i was thinking about brandon today. i was wondering if he’s been convicted yet as a serial rapist. or you know, maybe if his luck is holding out and he’s still out there somewhere, torturing women for his own perverse amusement. i don’t know why fortune smiles on some. but that bastard was sure a lucky one. just like tom hanks.