i do have something to say.

here’s what i don’t get about us: we pluck and we shave. religiously. fanatically. we wax. tweeze. exfoliate. we diet and tan and exercise and accessorize and obsess about our hair and makeup and clothes and shoes. pedicures. manicures. perms. straighteners. colors. bleaches. botox. plastic surgery. boob jobs. ass jobs. nose jobs.

i’m sure there’s a million billion i’m not even thinking of.

and this is a guy: “meh. here i am. take me or leave me.” — this after his third day of not shaving. putting on his cleanest dirty shirt. wearing his comfiest jeans. the ones that show he has no butt. or taste. his idea of combing his hair is running his hands through it. twice if it’s a special occasion.

and we’re all like, “ok! i’ll take you! you have two heads? no problem! six chins? that’s alright! want some more gravy on that big mac?” — because, of course, we women all know the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

they don’t give a shit. and if they do then we call them “metrosexuals” and we don’t want them because they’re more feminine than we are and we want a real man and who wants to share the mirror in the morning with someone who’s going to look better than you when it’s all said and done? the competition is fierce enough as it is.

wtf? and don’t give me that tired old line about how we do that to ourselves and men don’t want that and we’re our own worst enemies. because the reason women do all that is because it’s what sells and bla dee blah and blu dee bloo. cause you show a guy a girl in a sweatsuit with her hair up in a ponytail, no makeup, no tan, natural tits and nose and then show him some barbie doll done up with all the fixins and then tell me what. cause, come on.

this all occurred to me this morning. cause i fell in the shower while shaving and i had conditioner in still cause it’s special conditioner that i leave in my hair while i do everything else cause i have naturally curly hair and it takes special conditioner to make it extra springy and shiny and healthy and so the conditioner has to sit for five to ten minutes after shampooing with the special curly hair shampoo that matches, and naturally when falling while shaving because women aren’t meant to bend that way, the special conditioner dripped in my eyes and blinded me and i was afraid of falling on the razor and cutting a major artery and bleeding to death in the shower with conditioner in my hair and i thought, i’m not even sure where a major artery is right now but i’ll try to fall in such a way as to avoid hitting one even though i’m not sure where the razor is below me and really this is stupid because it’s not like i’m shaving with a straight razor, that would be stupid, but still, if i die of a massive head wound or, if by some freak accident i do cut a major artery and bleed to death in the shower, at least i’ll have really healthy, shiny and springy curls when they find me — all this i was thinking as i was going down . and i can pretty much guarantee no man ever fell in the shower while shaving. ever.

so. you see? that’s what i don’t get about us.