there are so many funny, witty, creative, stupid people out there. and, in case you’re wondering, if you didn’t know…the best way to clean the LCD screen on a notebook can be learned below. sort of. i googled. and honest to god, i’m not kidding or embellishing, this is an exact c&p of what i uncovered out there.

i got:

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I wipe mine with a piece of steak, medium rare – never overcook it – then take a walk down to the store and make a concoction of chutney and mild antipasto. After watching Dr. Strangelove and enjoying a Monte Cristo #1 with a nice Remy I get a cloth and wipe it all off with pure rainwater (so as to not to sap and impurify my precious bodily fluids.). . . or sometimes I just use alchohol and water with a soft cloth.

I used a 2 horsepower pressure washer on my LCD screen. It came clean, however it left a hole in my screen. Wouldn’t recommend it.

I used a combination of sulfuric acid and grain alchohol to clean my screen..worked pretty good till my screen melted and caught on fire…oops

I use Comet and a belt sander to clean my laptop. I get somewhat less than stellar results though, I suppose.

When I purchase a new LCD the first thing I do is cover it with Saran wrap to prevent any dust. If I am in a dust storm then I store it in a plastic bubble to protect it from debris. Okay. Thanks very much.

I have an Elvis thing going with my laptop. Every time I log into my DMOZ editors dashboard I reach for my gun and threaten the screen. Hard to wipe away a bullet hole.

My brother got mad and put nail polish all over
my screen. I got a knife and scraped it clean…

then i dumped it in windex
then i dumped it in alcohol
then i dumped it in red wine…

Somehow my LCD managed to get a smear of AstroGlide personal lubricant on it (go figure)… this is proving IMPOSSIBLE to remove… I’ve tried a moistened cotton towel, than some $20 a bottle Monster ScreenClean to no avail. Help?

(ew!)

I use my arse. It sticks a bit when I try and wipe across the screen but it is certainly an improvement.

I use my old underwear. The only problem is the brown skid marks they leave.

My three year old took a good ol’ ball point pen to my 19″ ViewSonic LCD. I took care of him with a spankin’ and the monitor with 70% alcohol. Both worked like a charm.

(mmm hmm! child abuse and alcohol! that’s how i clean MY screen!)

well i usualy take the sock im wearing… (its usualy already sweaty) spit on it and smudge it around a bit, then use it to clean my LCD

I use sandpaper on the real tuff spots…Works great getting them off

I got a ’05 NEC MultiSync LCD1935NXM, i had one greasy finger as someone was trying to move the mouse pointer with their fingers… anyway…water and soap did the job for me… and after that just dry it out in the sun… Works like a charm.

(they tried to move the mouse pointer with their fingers?? what is this guy, living in a preschool?)

I use sos pads razor scraper works well,gets all the food off

(what THE hell are these people doing to their laptops?)

I usually just replace the monitor when it gets dirty. I know it’s expensive, but hey…

I used a naked girl’s butt and had her rub around on the LCD. It didn’t help clean the screen, but it’s the best thing you can do in this list.

I use my arse. It sticks a bit when I try and wipe across the screen but it is certainly an improvement.

Ok, now some people may have a REALLY hard time cleanign their LCD monitors and televisions, but i was born to make it even harder. Now this is so difficult it may cause extremely bad headaches.
First I will tell you what happened to me. My little brother and me were painting a room for my mom, and i took my eyes off him for one second and he went into MY room and had COVERED my entire computer system including tower, LCD, and printer with PINK paint!!!!!!!!! And also let me mention that i had just bought this computer. I wanted to put him through osmosis. So what did i do? I cleaned it. Here’s how to clean an LCD monitor (even with pink paint on it.)

Listen Carefully:
Step 1 Go to Kitchen
Step 2 Get CLEAN dish cloth
Step 3 Wet dish cloth
Step 4 Wring out cloth well
Step 5 Go back to LCD
Step 6 Start cleaning
Step 7 Rub so lightly that its almost like dust you dont wanna move, like only as hard as the weight of the damp cloth.
Step 8 Clean Monitor

Sorry that was sooo hard

(osmosis? osmosis?? this guy. and his brother painted the computer? what is he, in preschool? who lets a preschooler paint??)

Clean LCD screen is a more popular search than i expected. The alcohol solution on my old nightshirt worked beautifully. I poured some alcohol through the slot on the floppy drive and it updated my BIOS! Excellent!

I’m looking for some tips. I recently purchased a Compaq Presario R3000. I use it at school and home. I wanted to know what I can buy to clean the outside with (I assume it’s plastic) and what to clean my LCD screen with. I’m looking for a product that is already made…I don’t trust myself with diluting alcohol.

(yeah. diluting alcohol with water is like, hard, man!)

2 words…Duct Tape!!

I ejaculate on my screen and let the dog lick it off..havent had to clean it for 2 years but i still let my dog have a treat now and then

I always an industrial floor buffer to clean my laptop screen. Open out your laptop screen to the max(180 degrees), lie it face up on a hard gravel surface…perhaps on your driveway and away you go!!!
If you wrap some nice soft microfiber cloth over the cleaning disk of the machine then it shouldn’t damage the screen.

P.s. Always use a circuit breaker when using the industrial buffer outdoors!

YOU GODDAMN NERDS!

(niiiiiiiiice. you kiss your mama with those fingers? i like how wanting to know the best way to clean an investment you probably spent at least a grand purchasing makes these guys nerds. ha! nerds.)

I use a pair of my underwear and some Finlandia vodka. Or at least that’s what I assumed waking up with an empty bottle and my underwear in my hand, with my head on the keyboard. I must have been cleaning SOMETHING, although my LCD screen has a few white spots. (dead pixels?) I can still make out the impression of the keys on my forehead, and my girlfriend wont shut up about the email that I sent her that was full of the letter ‘h’.

i shot my lcd monitors with a silver plated desert eagle that had my name enscribed in it… then i shot my self in the head

Every time I clean my screen,I usually use the same process they used on Linda Blair In the movie the Exorcist….I Bring In two catholic priests,both with bottles of the 50/50 solution.
The 50/50 mix is 50% holly water 50% achohol.
Then you can only Imagine the rest of the Story.
If Im having a really bad day,I stop at the 99 cent store and pick up about 10 Plastic crosses and use these as added Insurance….

I use a combination of diesel fuel and 97octane gasoline, dip a piece of 80grit sand paper in it and then scrub the screen vertically only. results are fantastic.

Why is everything so complicated? Screw the alcohol, or water, or buying extra crap. I just toss mine in the washing machine and use the delicates setting. A little extra softener really makes it smell WONDERFUL. However, I highly recommend that you not use the drier. If you do, use it on the delicates mode, and only run it for fifteen minutes. Then, pull it out and let it air dry. It should be good to go in a couple of hours.

The best thing to do when your screen is dirty, is throw it away and buy a new one. That gives the best result.

The best way to clean LCD screens is to use a coarse steel wool pad with a circular rubbing motion… works like a charm!

Theres only one way to clean off a lcd screen, use a wire brush and a bucket of petrol its the best beleive me .Also if you have some old tatoos your fed up with you can scrub them off at the same time and it woks a treat on bird poo if you have any on the car.

First, I take a boxcutter and scrape out sections of the screen with stains. Then you can rinse the monitor off with your garden hose after peeing on it. Also, make sure you pee into the vents on the back of the montor. Then to dry it, use a low grit sandpaper followed by smooth, circular motions with a banana peel dipped in diesel fuel and dog shit. (Make sure you use circular motions). When you’re done, if you didn’t eat that banana, you can shove it up your ass.

(he has to scrape off the stains with a razor?? what the hell is he DOING in front of that laptop?? i dunno. this guy sounds like he’s comin’ off a twenty year stint for serial murders.)

P.S. I opened my computer and poured water onto the motherboard, and now my sound card problem is gone!

My screen is so dirty the dirt comes up in screenshots

(what does that even MEAN??)

i go down to the local college’s particle accelerator and climb inside of a giant solenoid with my laptop and ask the janitor to turn it on. then i hold on for dear life to the laptop as the magnetic field tries to pull it out of my hands. this generally removes the dust particles which can also respond to the magnetic field. sometimes i forget that i have my keys in my pocket so they rip through my shorts and go flying.

if there is a pesky spot, i ask an experimenter if i can borrow some accelerated particles. i then proceed to zap the monitor with protons moving at near the speed of light. thanks to my wonderful theory of special relativity, the lcd screen takes no damage from the protons moving so fast and exploding into smaller particles upon impact.

I use my Mom to clean my screen.
It’s free and invisible too!
I just leave the room for a few moments and Voila! Just like new.

(your mom is googling this as i type….)

i have a laptop and i have cleaned it many times. The best solution for it is to mix about a 1:1 ratio of Sherry Wine and Sprite. The wine takes all the grease and grime off the screen and the sprite gives a little sparkle to the screen.

peeing on it really works…find it hard to beleive? I hear urine does have good cleaning properties…maybe i will try it

I use lesbians.
They lick plastic good.
(Especially grape flavored)

(oh good. i’m glad i bought the grape flavored laptop!)

Dishwasher, top rack.

Peanut butter and honey,,,with a papertowel works well…and makes a tasty snack~!~

I simply dunk my ibook in a basin full of water and then throw it into the freezer and a few hours later, I take it out and chip the ice off of it wih a hammer and crowbar ! Simple and time consuming! it works wonders!

just deep fry it.

I use Vodka in a 1 to 3 ration with water, then add Orange juice when i’m done

i use toilet bowl cleaner, it works the best. dont use windex.

Yes, I slit my arm with an exacto, then dribble the blood onto a leather jacket. Rub the screen. Works great and has a neat effect!

Sarita said: anyone know how to make a 50% alcohol/water solution from 70% alcohol?

Steel wool and Jose Cuervo works great

Sarita: are you kidding? Isn’t that a 6th grade math problem?
yeah?

I use my wifes silk panties to clean my LCD, but she gets a bit shirty having to take them off frequently when my friends come around to do a group assignment(why is that?)

Yeah you all have a lot of great plans to clean the screen. Yet I’ve most all of them on my 21″ LCD and they just doen’t get it as clean as I would like. One method I think seems to work best is to carefuly slide the entire screen up your ass and then walk a mile. May not clean like soap, but feels a hell of alot better though!

I just let my puppy lick it clean, just kidding!

I found a GREAT way to clean monitors.
I’ve used it several times and surprisingly it works..
Unplug your monitor and put it in the dishwasher…but use alcohol as a cleaning solution. Crazy huh?
This also works well with laptops, removes every bit of dirt, etc..CLEANS sooooooooooo well I can’t believe it.

You can also trying pissing on your monitor…but piss lightly, if you piss too hard it can sometimes damage the lcd. A solution of 1 part feces and 1 part piss works well too, but sometimes you need a can of aerosol after your done, just depends on what you had for dinner that night. If you had anything spicy use a .25 part to .75 piss.

(sigh. i ? the interweb!)