i hate it when matt’s right. i try to avoid that as much as possible. but tonight while brushing my teeth i had an epiphany. and not an epiphany that would allow me to be right. so whatever. i just like the word epiphany.

a few months ago we were going somewhere to do something and i tell the boys, “hey you guys go potty before we leave!” and they do it. and then matt leans over and whispers to me, “they’re 11 and 12. they don’t go potty. they use the restroom.”

“WHAT?? YOU SORRY SONOFABITCH! HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT THEY ARE GROWING UP???? NEVER! DO YOU HEAR ME?? YOU SHUT YOUR FACE!”

that’s what i wanted to say. but instead i smiled and said, “huwha?” because, you know, i was pretty sure i had only misheard and he never actually said such an insane, crazy, crazy thing. but he dashed my hopes and dreams over the cliffs of despair by repeating himself.

“they’re too old to go to the potty.”

i’m pretty sure i blacked out at that point.

but then i rolled my eyes at him and blew him off. cause, you know, obviously he’s a bit touched in the head.

howeverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, tonight i was brushing my teeth and it occurred to me that we have digital cable now. and why that’s important is because i was thinking when i walked past jake’s room that because we have digital cable now and he likes noise when he sleeps he could put the tv on one of the music channels that only plays music with no disc jockeys and commercials and then, that way, he could have music and a nightlight both!!

and then my whole world crumbled when i ran the toothbrush across my teeth for the 900th time while thinking this all over. cause i realized that he was nearly 13 and not likely to need a “nightlight” anymore. although he would never tell me that. he’d probably go on smiling and thinking secretly in his head that his mom is crazier than a bedbug right up until he was 18 years old and still using a “nightlight” — he’d do this because he loves me so much and is such a good boy, he’d never dare tell me that and risk hurting my feelings.

so that got me thinking about the fact that they are both so sweet to indulge me so long. i mean, yeah, they would draw the line from time to time. for instance, kaileb put his foot down, went on a hunger strike and refused to wear a rain hat and boots when i insisted he needed them. 11 is a bit long in the tooth for slickers and rubbers. so i would cave and then proceed to repress any inkling that he might be growing up. i refused to go there.

but that was only on really big things. things that were momentous and not worth giving in on. they did refuse some things. things that would put them in therapy for years later on and kill their inner child slowly. for the most part, i didn’t push it that far.

it’s a hard thing. realizing that your kids are growing up. realizing that time has not magically stood still for the past 9 years and they are still just boys. just boys and they need you. wholly and completely. they depend on you for everything. their very survival is in your hands. it’s hard to reconcile that truth with the cold hard fact that it will not always be so. they grow up. they grow up. they grow up and out and up and they don’t never need you to tuck them in again. they can do without the bedtime story. you don’t need to shave the crust off their sandwiches anymore. they’re all set. thanks.

so what can you do? it is what it is and it has to happen. time stops for no man. nor will it stop for a desperate mom who would love dearly to avoid the bitter truth. so i’ll let go. i’ll let go and give up, but you can’t make me do it gracefully.