i had the brilliant idea to go camping this weekend. i thought to myself, “kimberley fae williams–” i always call myself that when talking to myself for that is my name. — “kimberley fae williams, you know what would be fun? it would be super duper fun! to pack up and go for a nice, leisurely drive and camp in a nice, leisurely campground and do some fishin’ and cook outdoors on an open flame and sigh heavily over the beauty and wonderment of nature!” and so, that is what i did. sort of.

matt & i shopped for the trip by going to a neighborhood grocer that we thought was going to be the cheapest around. and it was. that’s because out of nowhere, it’s going out of business. seriously. one day it’s there and functional and there’s chef boyardee on the counter and then the next day it’s a vast, desolate wasteland consisting mainly of dustbunnies and tumbleweeds, five for one dollar! what little bit was left on the shelves was being picked over by some rabid looking people wandering the aisles. they reminded me of zombies in a stephen king book. sort of vacuous stares out of empty heads searching for brains. but they found only nothing. prices were marked down between 10 and 75%. fortunately for us we only needed a couple things and they had most of them. we only got sidetracked by the candy aisle. cause it appeared as though, everyone in their haste to find brains, had totally missed the candy aisle. so there we are in a row of candy bar after candy bar at 75% off. danger! danger, will robinson! we ended up with a few essentials for the camping trip and about 3 grocery carts filled with m&ms, wonka bars, starbursts, and gum.

then we came home, loaded up the kids and the dogs in the motorhome, and headed east to the snoqualmie national forest. and that’s about where the fantasy ended. we had a really hard time finding an empty campground. then we finally found one and it was nowhere near the water. then we unpacked and it was hotter than hell. there were mosquitos everywhere. it was really bad. so we decided to start a fire to drive them away. which worked. somewhat. the dogs were crazy. they barked a lot and kaileb was scared in the motorhome so we didn’t sleep well. by saturday morning i was ready to go home. i had enough of nature. and so i said it. i’m ready to go, i said. and the three of them looked at me like i had two heads. and then i said it again in case they didn’t hear me. “i’m ready to go now. let’s pack!” and then i made deals in which i agreed to let them fish first before leaving and then promised to take them to the movies later. so we fished and swam and then booked it home.

and i was glad.

so we go to the movies, okay? and we’re going to see talladega nights. matt went in to find us seats because we got there a little late. i order popcorn and drinks. because two shopping carts of candy won’t sneak through the theatre usher very well, i hid 7 different kinds of candybars in my purse to avoid paying $19 for one at the snackbar. as it was i ended up having to take out a second mortgage just to pay for the admission and popcorn.

this guy taking the orders at the snack bar? i kid you not he died two months ago and just hasn’t gotten around to falling down yet. he was so slow i wanted to pull my hair out, jump on the counter and run back and forth screaming at the top of my lungs.

plus, the two women in front of me were ordering one of everything. the old one leaned over the candy window and went, “ummmmmmmm……ummmmmmmmmmmm” for about 45 minutes before i finally said “oh for christ sake!” and then she woke up and said, “you don’t got any chocolate covered peanutsssssss? and they didn’t so she just ordered a reese’s candybar instead. and it took him another 30 minutes to get that out.

i headed into the show about when the end credits were running. i finally make out matt and the boys waving like loons at me and start the arduous task of making it past the 76 other people in that row. i’m balancing a tub of popcorn bigger than a small planet in one hand and a soda only a smidge smaller in the other hand trying to avoid sticking either my tits or my ass in someone’s face or step on any toes that refuse to move. i get nearly there, like 1 person away and this smell hits me. it’s like someone died and lay in the sun for six months. it’s like rotting eggs. it’s like the worst smell ever. ever. and i gagged and yelled, “OH! ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THE BODY ODOR???!!??” like that. that loud. and every head in the theatre snaps up and looks directly at me retching and grimacing in pain. jacob reached for the soda, matt reached for the popcorn and pulled me into the chair. i apologized and tried to avoid vomiting. i pulled my shirt up over my mouth and stayed like that for the entire movie.

then matt tells me this kid, he’s kicking jacob’s seat and it’s pissing him off. i look behind me and there’s a kid behind jacob completely absorbed in the movie. he doesn’t even know where he is, much less that he’s kicking his chair. matt asked him to stop. he did. for about 10 minutes. then he started again. we kept giving him the, “dude, stop kicking the chair or we’ll beat your ass.” look, but he wasn’t buying it. his parents were also oblivious. i watch matt and his temperature’s rising. he’s gone completely into “gotta protect the family!!!” mode and there’s no reaching him now. something funny happens in the movie and i laugh and say, “did you hear that?” and he looks like he’s about to go through the roof. he tells me he can’t concentrate cause this kid won’t stop. and that pretty much went on until the end of time.

we get out of there and head home. we’re in the car and we laugh and we talk and we tell each other our favorite parts of the movie and the night flies by the window outside. then we get home and not five minutes, literally not five minutes after we walk in the door the boys start fighting. they don’t fight all the time, but when they do it’s nasty, noisy and annoying. so off to bed i pack em. arguing and pleading and bargaining all the way. but i stick to my guns and make them go.

then i went to my room and decided i was completely mental and must never endeavor to do anything fun and spontaneous as long as i live.

(however, the mountains were beautiful, the swimming was a blast, the water was clear and cool and sexy, the dogs swam, even rufus who is scared of water, and the movie was hilarious. lest ye think it was all bad.)