i take it as a sign of my impending nursing home commitment that i don’t recognize any of the channels on the station guide to my television. i’m paying an outrageous sum for an ungodly number of channels that i don’t even understand. when i click “guide” i see channels with initials like “LGM” and “TWC” and i’m not sure what they’re showing. i remember the days of ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX. the end. if you were doing alright you might be able to afford SHO and HBO and maybe MAX. but that was boring because it was the same thing over and over again.

also, i remember when i would hum and sing along to the devinyl’s “i touch myself” and i didn’t think twice about it. it was just a thing i did. just a song. but tonight, on last call with carson daly, a bunch of preschoolers sang a song with lyrics that went, “i call her on the phone and she touches herself.” and i got all indignant like i just didn’t understand the youth of the day and what happened to morality?

plus? carson daly? what happened to johnny carson? and who lets pre-pubescent boys sing like grownups on stage on tv anyway?

and also? if your boyfriend decides to “spice up” your already considerably spicy love life by bringing home handcuffs, and you know,afterwards, if you’re flat on your back, gasping for breath, dying of thirst because you’ve just spent the last hour screaming his name to the sky, you probably still shouldn’t just slip your wrists out of them. even if it was possible all the time. he won’t appreciate it and it will be a significant blow to his ego. even if it is all over. he’ll just keep saying, over and over again, “you could get out? the whole time?” even if you quickly slip your wrists back in, point to the ceiling and try to change the subject.

i guess it’s not true that the older you get, the smarter you get.