i took the boys to see the simpsons movie. we usually don’t go to movies on opening weekend because we all fear my incarceration, such is my disdain for rude people in crowded theatres. i broke down this time though because the boys have been literally DYING to see it. seriously. nearly every day since they heard the movie was being released they have been wasting away in solemn anguish. it’s so sad to watch. heartbreaking, really.

the crowds weren’t that bad and the movie is chock full of simpsons funniness. we enjoyed it.

but here’s the thing. and you knew there had to be a thing.

we got there early. of course. because i wanted to be sure we wouldn’t be stuck all the way at the front of the theater with, you know, screaming children or big-haired women or the like. so we sit there for twenty minutes before the movie is even supposed to start. okay. that’s our fault. it was our choice to come so early. i remember back in the day when you did that you just sat there and stared at a white screen. dark room. white screen. that’s what you got if you decided to be all timely and get there twenty minutes early. that was your entertainment. that and something from the days we refer to as “olden” but which has now gone the way of the dodo bird: CONVERSATION. you have dark room. white screen. conversation. twenty minutes. where did that go? when did they change that?

we sat in that theater for twenty minutes and watched the screen play images of the hottest stars pimp their latest movie. this was interlaced with “trivia” questions, oddly enough related to today’s hottest stars and latest movies. also thrown in the mix were quotes from the latest movies by– you guessed it, today’s hottest stars. all of this was played to an incredibly annoying soundtrack of songs from the latest movies as sung by today’s hottest stars. every cheesy love song from every cheesy rom-com out in theaters now. in between all of this they showed us commercials of our local businesses. but they weren’t really commercials. they were really just business cards flashed on the screen. while justin timberlake sang his little black heart out, i read about discount wiper changes down at ‘dan, the muffler man’s car-emporium’ among other great deals. i miss the white screen and dark room.

then the movie started and i expected previews. did i see previews? the fact that i just asked you should be some indication of the answer. first we had to endure the usual public shaming, guilt-inducing, paranoia-inciting litany of helpful “reminders” to turn off our cell phones and not to ever, ever steal movies. it’s bad. it’s wrong and awful and you’ll burn in hell. there are several. in case it takes awhile to sink in.

then there’s the fandago bullshit. the tired old paperbags with googly eyeballs and yarn hair telling us how to buy tickets online.

then there’s previews. AFTER the commercials. oh yes, they added commercials. they’re just like regular television commercials except they’re on a gigantic screen and they’re three times as long. while we sat there and waited for something resembling the movies i remember from just a few short years ago, we saw a commercial for: Coke, All, Sprint, Priceline, Nesquik, The Sopranos, Verizon, Snuggle Fabric Softener, and a new show coming out on ABC calling Pushing Daisies.

finally there’s some previews. a couple. stuff i don’t even want to see. nothing very promising. and that’s that. the movie was great. it was funny and worth it and i realize i’m dating myself here, but jumpin’ Jehoshaphat on a hot tin roof, when will this madness end? i thought the steady increase in price over the years to a bajillion dollars per ticket was supposed to compensate for the skyrocketing cost of hollywood making more and more big-budget, craptacular movies each year. what the hell is this shit? i tell you what i’m going to do. i’m going to just deduct a quarter from the price of my ticket for every commercial i have to sit through from now on. i’m going to pay myself back. i’m going to compensate myself for pain and suffering. this i have decreed to be so forever and ever, amen.

see you at the movies!