say what you will about barbie, but the girl had goals. or has goals. i guess she only just got divorced, not dead.

inexplicably considered a role model for young girls, people dump a lot on the poor, plastic career woman with the malibu mansion. she stands accused of setting unrealistic expectations of physical beauty for young girls. so much so that mattel, caving to intense public pressure from our fatass culture, widened her waist in 1997 so as to prevent any of us from developing anorexia…you know, since we’re obviously all sheep who will take one glance at that tiny plastic waist and let the starvation begin.

she is charged with being a blonde ditz who can’t hack it in math class.

she is fingered as a vain and shallow hole of excess, needing more and more clothes, shoes and convertibles to satiate her unquenchable thirst. naturally, this only fosters greed and vanity in children who play with her as well. of course it’s all barbie’s fault there are so many selfish and avaricious adults walking around out there, hungry for more and more stuff to fill the hole.

she’s been banned from Saudi Arabia for her shameful postures and skimpy clothes and she’s been lambasted by civil right’s groups for her slow to come ’round multi-culti circle jerk. barbie in the hood just isn’t one of the biggest sellers.

but all that aside, you gotta admire her. yeah, sure, she can’t keep a job. but at least she has one. or 75. she makes the attempt. over the years she’s been an astronaut, a babysitter, a nurse and a teacher. she’s been a dentist, a paleontologist, an Air Force fighter pilot, a World Cup soccer competitor, a firefighter, and a candidate for President, all while keeping up with the latest fashions, a sordid relationship with Ken that finally ended in the big D (hey, just like real life!) and maintaining fabulous hair. plus, she had the nicest accessories and houses and cars. if you were lucky and your parents had the dough to drop on that kind of thing. if not, you made all that stuff out of cardboard boxes and egg crates. in that case your imagination was just as good and either way, you and barbie were both rich.

i think that now. before, i wasn’t such a fan. i was on the barbie bashing bus with everybody else. you know, circa 2001, b.b.:before bratz. the birth of that monstrosity gave me a whole new bus to hop aboard.

with the advent of bratz, i found a love for barbie i never knew or believed could exist.

just the name “bratz” pisses me off. forget the annoying spelling. the concept of giving a toy for children a name like “bratz” is asinine. here, play with something we don’t want you to be. don’t be a brat. play with one.

and these dolls, they’re hideous. big lips, skinny waists, big heads, fuck ugly clothes that look like they belong on a hooker. fishnet stockings? feather boas? really?? they’ve given them ridiculous names: Cloe, Sasha, Jade and Yasmin, Fianna, Nevra, Tiana, Kumi, Felicia, Katia, Kiana, Roxxi Phoebe, Nona, Oriana, Valentina, Krysta, Lela, Siernna — and more. Some are “twiins” and some are “triiplets” don’t ask me what the extra i’s are for. hell if i know.

the sexualization of our children is starting so early. so early. we thought barbie was bad? barbie really was a dream compared to these skanks. all they do is sit around, party, look pretty and just — skank out. barbie had pride and self esteem. barbie had a purpose. she really was a role model. i sincerely regret every time i had the thought or uttered the concept that barbie was damaging to young girls who might have a mind to grow up and out from under the shadow of a patriarchal society. don’t we want our girls to grow up saying, “I want to be an astronaut, veterinarian ballet dancer zookeeper” not “I want to have bigger boobs and a darker tan”??

do we worry more about the frank confession that math class really is tough or about a feature length commercial with fishnet stockings and where “girl power through high fashion!” is the lesson to be learned? what’s wrong with our priorities? where are we going with this?

give a baby girl a rag doll with yarn hair and a sock and she will find a way to dress it up and comb its hair. all this other bullshit is unnecessary and dangerous.

damn, i’m glad i have boys.