Seriously, today seems to be one of those days wherein I am convinced there are little robotic cameras following my every move. These recordings will be available for viewing later on YouTube or America’s Most Tragic Videos or some other such rot. How else to explain the sheer lunacy of a day which began with a heated exchange between the Coca-Cola delivery driver and Mr. Huong of the Liberty Bell market? An exchange I was fortunate(?) enough to witness as I tried to purchase a pack of gum and, dare I say it, a Pepsi. I didn’t get all of it, but I’m smart enough to read between the lines. Coke guy is not happy with the real estate. Huong doesn’t care. There’s only so much space for all their little coolers. In his very broken English he gestured wildly about the store, nearly putting my eye out. “Cooler here! Cooler there! Everybody want a cooler all over the store! There no more room for anymore cooler in here!”

I ducked under his arm toward the register in the nick of time to complete my purchase. Mrs. Huong was very preoccupied with trying to keep an eye on the fight. She kept giving her husband her two cents. But not in English. “$2.79″ she said to me, in a very calm and normal voice. And then, screaming, “SOMETHING VERY LOUD AND ANGRY AND FOREIGN IN A LANGUAGE I DO NOT UNDERSTAND AND CAN NOT BEGIN TO EMULATE” right over my head toward her husband. Then, “You like bag for this?” back at me. Just as friendly as the morning dew kissing the waking grass “Hello!”

I declined and fled the scene.

This happened today in Pennsylvania. I know how ugly these things can get. How many mamas have lost a son to a soda war? How many more?

Further, people have said the most inane, jackassery things to me. All day. It’s as if they are daring me to slap them, full on, across the face — just to get it on film. The doucherity of people today has reached maximum level and I am forced to believe it can be nothing other than a plot. A scheme. A caper.

If I were to believe that people were really and truly that stupid then I think I would just have to lay down and give up the ghost cause, really, humanity is lost. And maybe they are. Maybe I’m so stupid that I don’t even know how stupid we really are. How’s that for a paradox?

Either way, I choose to believe in the little robotic camera ruse. This way I’ve found an excuse for this mind-boggling, idiotic behaviour, it keeps me from killing people in a fit of rage — lest it’s caught on tape and I don’t have to accept facts that some people just need a good hard slapping — oh who am I kidding? I’ll be back in ten to twenty. Less for good behaviour. Maybe.