This morning I woke up twice. I first woke up to Matt getting dressed and letting the dogs out. He does this quietly. About as quietly as a hippo all hopped up on meth goes running through a china shop. In the deadening silence I fell back into my strange, beautifully frightening dream in which Benicio del Toro ruled the world and we all smoked weed in copious amounts and sat around discussing the importance of stuff. Not anything really. Just, stuff.
I woke up the second time about two hours later. I crawled out of bed and looked around the empty room wondering where Matt was. I drug myself over to my chair in the corner and pulled my knees up, tucking my feet in under me. I looked around the room some more. I’m not sure what I was looking for. I think I thought he would magically materialize before my very eyes. Or something.
It’s just very weird to expect something, to have no reason not to expect something, and then have it not be there. That’s all I’m saying. And I was expecting to wake up next to Matt on this Sunday morning.
Then I started percolating.
I wondered. Have I come there, then? Has he really gone off to play golf? He and my brother had been talking about it last night. But he never mentioned it to me. Am I really there? Is this the place where you wake up and find your man is vanished? Off and gone before everyone else to sneak in a few holes of golf? Did he not tell me because he thought I would say no? Why would I do that? Because Sundays are family days? Because he just played golf with him all day Saturday? Because for weeks now it’s been nothing but golf, golf, golf?? Because I’m a manipulative, controlling shrew and he’s not a big boy so he needs to ask for permission? Maybe that’s it. Maybe he didn’t feel the need to ask for permission or even let me know where he was going. Well, that’s just stupid.
But then, right in the middle of that rational and reasoned reverie, he bursts in and sets me straight. It turns out he wasn’t golfing at all. He was kidnapped by aliens and forced to teach them the ways of our people.
Shewwwww! I’m SO glad i didn’t jump to conclusions and assume the worst about him! He’s SUCH a good man!
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A Woman's Manifesto
Because a woman’s work is never done.
and is underpaid, or unpaid, or boring, or repetitious,
and we’re the first to get fired,
and what we look like is more important than what we do.
And if we get raped its our fault
and if we get beaten we must have provoked it
and if we raise our voices we’re nagging bitches
and if we enjoy sex we’re nymphos
and if we don’t we’re frigid
and if we love women it’s because we can’t get a real man
and if we ask our doctor too many questions we’re neurotic or pushy
and if we expect childcare we’re selfish
and if we stand up for our rights we’re aggressive and un-feminine
and if we don’t we’re typical weak females
and if we want to get married we’re out to trap a man
and if we don’t we’re unnatural
and because we still can’t get an adequate, safe contraceptive, but men can walk on the moon
and if we can’t cope or don’t want a pregnancy we’re made to feel guilty about abortion
and for lots and lots of other reasons
we are part of the women’s liberation movement.- Joyce Stevens, International Woman’s Day, 1975.
Man Vs. Heart Attack
I am somewhat worried about the dude on Man v Food. He isn’t looking so good these days and putting that food away like that can’t be good for him.
They were extra curious about all the green patches they saw on their way to landing…I explained about golf courses and the game, and of course they wanted to know more and see examples of novice play. I had no choice but to act as Earth’s ambassador; it was what any good American would do. Don’t worry, I also gave them SC brochures just in case. Anyway then I helped them move a piano and came right home, I promise. Great job!
I was going to say he was probably teaching them the ways of golf. You seem to have a lot of aliens in your neck of the woods!
We do, don’t we? I’m beginning to think something isn’t right here. I just can’t put my finger on it…..hmmmmm.