May 22nd, 2008 by Kimberley
My boys are good boys. I say this, not because I’m their mother and I am one hundred percent biased in their favor, but because it’s true. I know from rotten kids. My kids aren’t rotten. They are respectful to me and other people, they rarely get in trouble and when they do it’s for minor, normal kid stuff, and they can still be controlled by my patented evil mom stare when they start to push the line. All in all, it’s good.
Lately, however, my patience has been tested. This house has been resembling scenes from RAW WWF and I’m I’ve about had it. They go through these phases where they can’t stand each other. Neither one can say a single word cause the other is going to find fault with it. Every gesture, every glance is interpreted as a dangerous threat to their very existence. I’m ready to put them up on Craigslist. This could be happening. They could end up for sale on the internet. I’m that fed up.
In utter exasperation, I’ve begun taking things from them. Little privileges. It started out with their favorite online game. Gone. Can’t play it no matter how much they beg. Next went the Xbox 360. I think that’s when I started getting their attention. That’s when I got the first double take. When they bicker and fight in the evening I put them to bed. They’re not toddlers. They don’t go to bed at 7:30. Unless they bicker and fight. They aren’t happy about it. They are not going gentle into that good night. I don’t care.
Except that I do. No matter how much I feel in the pit of me that I’m doing the right thing, it’s still hard. I try to convince myself of the quick passage of time and the urgency at hand. It’s fleeting! I’m running out. I only have so many years left to shape and mold. To teach and reach. Only a few short years left to be any kind of influence. I better make it a good one. I believe in the power of my actions (and reactions) in their lives. I believe that the people they are now are but early foundations for the people they will one day become. What will it say about me, the people they become?
This is no small feat. No easy task. I appreciate the challenge. But when my blood pressure goes down and I’m no longer seeing red over the latest dust up, it’s hard to maintain. I keep thinking about what a bad mom I am. I keep thinking I’m so mean. I keep thinking they’re going to hate me. I keep worrying I’m scarring them for life. I keep thinking I’m killing them. Killing them. This is where my mind goes when I get weak. This is how crazy I can get.
But the part of me that is still sane and not dead but only crouching in a corner trying not to be crushed by my insanity knows better. That part of me reasons me down. Brings me around to the light. It whispers, quietly, that I am in the right place. I’m heading in the right direction and I just have to soldier on. It confides in me that they are good, smart boys and I am not killing them, but loving them. I am loving them enough to hurt them. I am loving them enough to set limits and enforce rules. I am loving them enough to bear their eyes, boring into me, delivering judgment. I am loving them enough to brave the guilt trips and silent treatments. I am loving them like no one else has ever loved them before, or ever will. I am doing right by them. I just have to be patient and strong. I just have to hang on.
And that’s what I’ll do. I close my eyes against the fear and listen to that voice, finding comfort in her words. I stick to my guns and take one for the team. I tuck them in, let them know I still love them, and walk away. I won’t entertain talks of why it isn’t fair. I won’t bargain or be manipulated. I will stick to my word and walk away.
That’s the number one, without a doubt, most horrible/wonderful thing about being a parent: learning when to walk away. -20a/IMG_4992.JPG)
Oh gosh, I remember those days! My boys are four and a half years apart in age. They got on so well when they were little, but when they got a little older, they went through those same stages. Then during the teen years, they hardly had a good word to say about each other – didn’t like the same things, didn’t agree with anything the other thought or did or said .. it was a nightmare. Now they’ve both left home, while they are and always will be different in character, they are friends again.
Hang in there, it will pass, and yes, you’re doing absolutely the right thing. Mostly I used sanctions too.
Thanks, Jay. Hope you don’t mind, but I added a link to your site on my sidebar. I had been there before and I really like your writing and photography.
And it’s always nice to hear you’re not alone. Other parents go through this. Sometimes I get to feeling like I’m alone against it, I’m all melodramatic. Hand to the head. Woe is me! In a barren wasteland of uncertainty and regret — not to mention the nagging suspicion that my kids will hate me (and each other) for life. It’s good to know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Oooh, I’m delighted that you added me to your sidebar! Thank you!
What you have to remember, is that if you weren’t a good parent who wants to do the best by her children you wouldn’t be second guessing yourself at all. The very fact that you do so means that you care enormously – and that, to me, is the essence of good parenting. No-one can tell you exactly how to do it – that’s for you to decide – but you need that commitment to your children’s welfare, that spark and dedication, and the strength to do the right thing no matter how hard or painful it is.
And don’t forget that truism about parenting. You can never be a perfect parent. The perfect parent doesn’t exist. And children need you not to be perfect so that they can learn that it’s human to fail, and you can teach them how to handle that, too.
being a parent is like being public enemy number 1 at times. It sounds to me like you’re doing a great job and being consistent which is really important. You can only do your best. I’ve cried at times when I’ve had to enforce the law. They still love me (i think!).
I’ve just seen the card they drew on the Demented Lemon. lol
Oh yes, that was one of my proudest moments, let me tell you. Happy Mother’s Day!
OMG, can I relate to you SO much! I ran over here when I saw your comment on White Trash Mom that you have 13 and 14yr old boys, as do I!
The fights, oh the fights! And then when you decide one or the other was the instigator and punish him a bit more than the other, and then the punished one hollers and screams that “you always take his side!’ So then, often, in utter frustration – you just send them both to bed (or off the puter or the xbox) and the ‘victim’ screams, “But I didn’t DO anything!”
I’m often so sure that the three of us are going to come out of this whole mess as giant piles of HATE – and we’ll never get over it or be normal again and I’ve ruined them and I haven’t properly shown them the way.
It. is. just. so. hard.
You are SO in my Google reader now, woman!! Absolutely bitchin’ to meet ya!!!