I’ve been trying to make myself come here. I get as far as opening the window then I stare at the screen for a bit and finally give up and close it again. I’m just so busy. I’ve got so much going on it’s hard to find the time to sit and post anything worth reading. Not that anything I’ve posted prior to this is really worth reading, but at least I felt like writing it. Regardless.

The problem is that I think I may have outgrown this. But I’m not sure. It could be that I’m just going through a phase. It could be that I will find the interest in it again. It could be that I just need an extended break.  Or, it could be that I actually have outgrown it. Perhaps the magic of self delusion has been the only thing keeping it going for so long. Maybe I’m just too lazy to give it up. Not doing anything about it, just letting it sit here unattended, that’s easier than thinking about it. Making a decision. Doing something.

I don’t know. I think about not renewing the site and it kills me. I don’t want to think about someone else getting my domain name. I don’t want to watch all those years of posts and pictures and comments to just disappear as if they were never even here. I don’t want to think about all the work — all those hours and hours spent tweaking the look just so. All that time adding features I want and removing stuff that didn’t fit. The phases. The fads. I don’t want to think about it all going away forever. It’s like losing a friend. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

I’ve never done this for the page views or the comments. Those are nice, of course. But if I’m honest about it, I would have to admit that comments and and page views also made me a little nervous. I liked getting comments from my friends, the people I know and love. But that was it. I would frankly freak out when someone new came here and commented. It felt like pressure then. Like I had to perform. Like work.  Be witty. Be interesting. Say something worth saying.

Thing is, I don’t want to say something other people think is worth saying. I want to say what’s in my head. I want to say what I feel like saying. And sometimes those things just aren’t witty. Or interesting. They’re just things in my head and they are looking for a place to come out. This was it. This was that place.  So when strangers stopped by I would censor myself and rein it in, afraid of their judgment. Who wants to write under those circumstances?

So I was okay without the crowds. I just don’t know if I’m okay with it all disappearing for good though. I don’t know if I can do that. I think I’ll percolate on it for a while. I’ll just leave it alone. For now. We’ll see where we go from here.