Dear World,

I am afraid of you. Seriously, you scare me. I am afraid of what’s going on out there. This guy walked into a preschool in China and stabbed 28 kids and 3 adults. Seriously. What the fuck? This business has to stop. Sanity has to prevail eventually. Right? I mean. Right? People are so miserable. We’re all out there killing and cheating each other like there ain’t no tomorrow. Let me tell you something. There is a tomorrow. And tomorrow you will have to pay for what you do today. The bill must always be paid. Ask Randy Quaid, he knows. Now.

We are well and truly fucked. Or we’re doing  better than ever.  It depends on who you listen to. And isn’t that what it’s all about? Isn’t all this about who can scream the loudest? I don’t know about you, but I am constantly being screamed at. Buy this! Wear that! Drink this! Not that! Eat those, not these! BOOB JOB! VIAGRA! CELEBRITY! SEX ADDICTION! SAVE THE WHALES! NOW THE BABIES! NOW THE BABY WHALES! JUMP UP AND DOWN! SING A SONG! YOU’RE OFF THE ISLAND!

Damn, what I wouldn’t give for some peace and quiet for a little while. Just, maybe just a bit of it, huh? No more stupid scandals that aren’t news but just silly, childish sensationalism. No more bombs. Stop with the wars. I understand we’re all stuck in a whole bunch of them right at the moment and we might not ever see an end to some of them, but maybe could we just not start anymore? Just give us a breather. Seriously, World, I’m worn out over here.

Politician is synonymous with corruption and distrust. Nobody trusts anybody anymore. And who can blame them? I wouldn’t trust anybody either. Have you seen what anybody does when you give them just a little bit? It ain’t pretty.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously? Knock it off.

Stop fighting. Stop listening to Sarah Palin. Stop bickering. Stop spending money you don’t have. Stop blaming everyone else for your problems. Toughen up. Stop getting your poor little feelings hurt. Stop worrying so much about what other people are doing. Stop feeling so damn entitled. Stop watching reality TV. Stop watching TV in general. Enough is enough. Stop it now.

400 dead in China. Thousands dead in Haiti. Chile.  California.  Guess what? Earthquakes happen. Every spring our little planet shakes off the bitter cold of winter and knocks stuff around in the process. Can you not build some damn walls that won’t kill everyone within a hundred city blocks when they do? You can put a man on the moon. You can keep some 80 year old geezer erect. You can buy Lady Gaga’s brand of bullshit. You seriously telling me you can’t fix this? It’s 2010, people. Get busy.

Speaking of getting busy, how about a little less time devoted to keeping those 80 year olds erect and more time devoted to curing cancer? Diabetes. Aids. Sickle Cell Frickin’ Anemia. Pick one. I don’t care. It’s been ages though, literally ages, and I’m getting tired of waiting on you yahoos to do something real with all that money you’ve been raising. We’re all “aware” of the problem. Take your “awareness” marches and your “awareness” bumper stickers. Hats. T-shirts. Golf balls. Take them and shove them where the sun don’t shine and now that we’re all “aware” could you maybe, I don’t know, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?

“I have a sex addiction” is the new “My wife just doesn’t understand me.” Keep your damn junk in your pants. Stop thinking with your dicks. Quit cheating on your wives and girlfriends. And if you do cheat, and you get caught — and you will get caught, you feeble idiot — don’t blame it on an addiction. Your only addiction is stupidity and baby, it is just coursing through your veins. At least man up about it. Admit that you are powerless to keep it on a leash and try to be a decent person. Just try.

Women? Ditto. Don’t sit over there acting like you’re so innocent. It takes two to tango, baby. You’ve done your fair share to screw this up. Women cheat. And worse. The fairer sex isn’t often that fair. Just stop it, now.

Polar bears are dying. Honeybees are disappearing. Oceans are drying up. A dollar isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.

Is there something in the water making us crazy? Is it airborne?  What have you done!? When did we pick this up and how do we get rid of it? Why is there no inoculation against all this violence and misery? How come there’s no cure for stupid? Why do we keep going for the lowest common denominator? Is this really the way you want it to go? You’re only hurting yourself you know?

Hey listen, while I got you, let me just share some news with you. As you may already know, my son turned 16 earlier this month. He’s super excited to get his driver’s license. I am, too. Totally. It’ll be great to have someone to run to the store every five minutes because I forgot basically everything I need to make dinner. I even bought him an old truck for his birthday. I’m a cool mom. I’m down with it.

But still. It sucks. I get that it’s not rational. Kids grow up. They get their licenses and one day they drive off and that’s the end of that. In a way. But that isn’t it. I’m afraid for him. I am so afraid for him.

I mean, look, I know 16 is a bit old to worry about stranger danger. I understand that he’s not likely to be snatched up and whisked away in a non-descript, white cargo van. Statistically speaking, the chances of that are between slim and none. I get that, logically. But it’s a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart. I still worry. Every time he’s even five minutes late my mind starts racing with all the bad things I know have happened to him. Because things happen, don’t they? Specifically, bad things. Kids go missing. People get in car accidents. Lives are changed forever. Bad things happen to innocent people — usually when they are least expecting it.

And yet you would have me let him go. You would have me push him out into you and then sit back to watch where he goes.

I understand. And I will try. I promise. All I ask is that you meet me in the middle. Stop being such a scary place to be these days. It feels like no place is safe and nothing is right. Stop doing that. Stop scaring me and help me let go. I’m good for it, I promise. I’ll do my part. Only — could you maybe pitch in a little bit? Please?
Thanks so much, World, for hearing me out. I know I can count on you to do the right thing.

Right?

Sincerely,

Kimberley