I’m nervous cause there’s so much for them to screw up. Come on, Bethesda, give it to me good!

You know, I used to look at dogs and think they had it made. Man, if I could be a dog, that would be the life. All they do is lay around the house and sleep until someone feeds them and then they get up, eat, go outside to do their business and come back inside to sleep some more. What could be better?

Well, it turns out a lot could be better. A whole lot. A dog’s life blows! I know cause I’ve been confined to bed rest and there is nothing worse. I mean NOTHING. You lay in bed. Someone brings you food. You hobble off to the bathroom occasionally. You get back in bed. You find there is nothing better to do than sleep. The internet gets boring after the first day. Your will to live begins to seep away after the second. How do dogs do it? I’ll never know!

PLUS! I slept right through Anji’s challenge! I’m TERRIBLE! I’ve never been tagged before. It’s dreadfully exciting!

So here you go, here’s six random things about me:

1) I was runner up in the Junior Miss South Carolina Pageant. (clearly I was robbed)

2) I was in a commercial while in college. For insurance. I think. I can’t remember now.

3) I am deathly afraid of clowns, like most people. But I am also afraid of monkeys. And dolls.

4) I once met Country music star, Kenny Rogers in a truck stop with my dad when I was six years old.

5) I was once arrested for domestic violence…but it was self defense! And he soooo had it coming.

6) I love cabbage so much that when I found a twenty dollar bill on my way home from school I gave it to my parents to buy me as much cabbage as they could with it. Being in the first grade I didn’t realize that you could buy way more than a mere three heads of cabbage with twenty dollars…especially way back then. To this day when I eat cabbage at my mom and dad’s house I make sure to remark, “This is good, but it’s still not $20 worth of cabbage good. Keep it comin.”

And now, the rules:

• Link to the person who tagged you.

• Post the rules on your blog.

• Write six random things about yourself.

• Tag six random people by linking to their blogs.

• Let each of the six know they’ve been tagged by leaving them a comment (on their blogs).

• Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

The victims …

My Danny

My Jacob

and…uh…that’s it. Cause, I doubt Trouble would do it and I don’t know anyone else who blogs or hasn’t already been tagged. I know. It’s a crying shame. : \

When I was young I romanticized everything. Everything was a grand adventure and something wonderful to be discovered, even the tedium I didn’t want. I don’t do that so much anymore. These days the only time I get like that is when I’m premenstrual and the hormones are raging an all out war for control of my mind and body. If at home when that happens the noise is drowned out by endless chores, yipping dogs, squabbling children and Law & Order.

I know, right!? So deep and …uh, philosophical, huh? And heeeere’s the AOL translation:

WH3N I WAS U I ROMANTICIEZD EVERYTHNG!11!11 WTF LOL AVERYTHNG WAS A GRAND ADV3NTURE AND SOMETHNG WOND3RFUL 2 B DISCOVERAD 3V3N TEH T3DIUM I DIDNT WANT!11!1111 OMG WTF LOL I DONT DO TAHT SO MUCH ANYMORE!!1!11!1 WTF LOL TH3S3 DAYS TEH ONLEY TIEM I G3T LIEK TAHT SI WHAN IMM PR3M3NSTRUAL AND DA HORMONES R RAGNG AN AL OUT WAR FOR CONTROL OF MAH MIND AND BODY!1!!!111 LOL IF AT HOME WH3N TAHT HAPANS DA NOIES SI DROWNED OUT BY ANDLAS CHORES YIPNG DOGS SQUABLNG CHILDRAN AND LAW & ORDAR!!!11 WTF LOL

I know what you’re thinking. What an improvement! I particularly like how it’s all in caps and the spelling and punctuation is vastly, like, better and stuff. Totes def!

It was different this time though because last year the boys were but a wee 11 and 12 years old. This meant we shadowed them on all the rides, waited with them in ridiculously long lines for those rides and just generally never let them out of our sight — so great is my fear of the general public, especially the general public when whipped into a frenzy by adrenaline producing thrill rides and pure sugar fair food favorites like funnel cake and elephant ears.

This year was different than last because they’re in their early twenties now and perfectly capable of going off on their own. Or so Matt told me anyway. He doesn’t know about the perverts and the drugs and the werewolves though. Obviously. As a result, I didn’t get many pictures of the boys on rides…or, you know, doing much of anything. I hope Matt is happy now. I hope he’s satisfied. I hope werewolves eat his independence-promoting heart out.

Anyway! The fair is a good place for watching people, in lieu of, you know, being able to watch your own children that is. (Werewolves. Heart. Out.)

You never know what you’ll see.

Plus, where else can you get this?

After that, a few of these:

Then, you’ll surely need this:

Good thing they sell it at the fair, huh?

Jacob, coming off the Gravitron:

And then, of course, Matt, on his favorite ride of all:

the Republican Party booth! Hooray…..!

and then I headed back to the motion sickness booth again. Fucking useless werewolves.

there was a big, open space with cars everywhere and a big screen and a concession stand and the voices came out of our car radio. well, the van radio. we borrowed my parent’s minivan and backed it in. we opened the back door and spread out a sleeping bag, blankets, pillows and snacks and cuddled up to watch the transformers movie and shrek the third. not bad. the boys didn’t have to whisper, which they liked. they were visibly excited about this new way to watch first-run movies and the bugs didn’t come in. it got a little chilly as the night wore on, but only if you got too close to the doorway. overall we were pretty comfy and content.

what i didn’t remember were the teenagers with their loud, annoying cars. the screaming bass that shook the ground and my nerves. the punk-ass nogoodniks who threw empty beer bottles in the road to listen to them shatter. humongous trucks with diesel engines idling during key parts of the movie, horns blaring unnecessarily and lights blinking on and off for no apparent reason.

plus, i don’t remember getting home at three in the morning just from a double feature.

was it always this way? was it that way when i was a teenager going to the drive-in myself? really? was it three in the morning? i don’t remember staying out that late. but it must have been. the movie can’t start until dusk and dusk isn’t until after nine in the summer. so. there you go. probably. plus a few other things. the unmistakable smell of pot wafting through the night air. hot and heavy make out sessions. steamy windows. very little movie watching actually going on.

plus, i don’t recall being charged per person. as i remember, we paid 8$ for a carload, no matter how many bodies we crammed in the car. and brother, let me tell you, we crammed some bodies in the car.

so, i guess not all change is good and not all change is bad and not all change is even change. you’re just looking at it through older, more cynical eyes.

he’s cute, right? but he was alone. there were no other ducks. he was also very hungry. he kept trying to eat trash and cigarette butts. kaileb didn’t like this. so naturally he fed him.

then they took a walk around the lake.

they became quite close. bonded, if you will.

so close that when we started walking home, we turned around to see this:

we walked a little faster. surely he’ll turn around. he’ll go back. right? oh. no. wrong. here’s kaileb having a talk with him. he’s walking backwards trying to convince the duck to go back to the lake:

but he wasn’t getting it. so matt stepped in. here’s a rather blurry shot of him giving the duck what for:

that didn’t work. you’ll notice the duck blithely ignoring matt’s admonishments as he struts right past him. he continued to follow us anyway. so, the moral of this story is this: never befriend a duck. once you do, you can’t get rid of them. sort of like the unemployed and politicians.

the story had a happy ending though, because once we got home and realized the duck wasn’t going to go back to the solitary, starving life of the pond the dogs ate him.

no! i’m just kidding!

kaileb mentioned a neighbor a few streets down who raises ducks and chickens. we piled into the car with the duck and went to see “the duck lady” as kaileb calls her. she was tickled to take him in. he now has a cozy home with other duck friends and plenty of delicious duck food. also? it turns out that feeding ducks bread is bad for them. true story. look it up.

kaileb was sad to see his friend leave, as were we. but he can go visit anytime. country life is so adventurous!

my brother is getting married, right? right. i know! i’m surprised too. that someone would even want to share a car ride with him, much less a life is unfathomable to me, too. but there’s something for everyone, i guess. so somehow, this marriage thing translates into me babysitting. a lot. for like, a million different functions that i don’t particularly want to attend because, for some reason, the thought of contact with actual people frightens me and i’d rather demure and bow out gracefully by fidgeting like a two year old in desperate need of a pee while mumbling embarrassingly until i finally utter the phrase, “….but i’ll babysit for you if you’d like.” somewhere in the conversation. usually at a really quiet lull so that there is no mistaking what i said. add that all together and voila! you’ve got me on a saturday night babysitting five boys who —swear to god, at one point or other during the night, i searched every single one of their heads for a “666″.

all-in-all it was fairly successful in that no one lost a limb and i don’t have any court dates pending. i used my masterful grasp of creativty and the remote control to divert catastrophe. that and the good old standby, food-bribes. those boys sucked in the pizza like they had never before in all their lives been fed. which is, you know, astounding because every single parent said, “oh HE JUST ate.” when dropping off their precious angel. bullshit he did. better check that kid for tapeworm lady. he just about cleaned me out of house and home.

so also we did some crafty stuff too. because i didn’t want them to sit around and eat pizza while watching tv all night. god knows they all get enough of that watching daddy at home. hahahahahaha! oh. i kill me. i do! ahem, anyway. so shut up you about boys doing crafty things. okay? they’re like under 12. and most under 10. and also: it beats sitting on their asses watching the idiot box. and, also, probably it’s building something in their brain maybe. like maybe strenghtening problem solving skills and mathematical ability and maybe i’m building little scientists and chemists and architecs here. huh? did you ever think of that? maybe, i said!

so anyway, we made sock puppets. okay, and also? we didn’t use my old socks. god. what kind of a babysitter do you think i am? besides. my socks are too good for those brats. even the old ones.

so i bought a new bag of just plain white socks and some google eyes, felt, pompoms, buttons, yarn and small hats. we glued them all together and made puppet people. it worked really well for keeping them occupied for awhile and not fighting or breaking everything in sight. until they were finished. and then all hell broke loose because they started eating each other. they put the puppets on their arms and then chased each other around the house screaming and yelling, trying to “eat” each other’s puppet. so that was fun. can’t wait to have that brilliant idea again.

jacob made a puppet. you know jacob? my son? my own precious angel? his first was an adorable dog with brown felt ears, a red tongue that sticks out the side, two googly eyes, one with a black circle around it. he glued a brown pipe cleaner around his neck for a collar. and put a button on it. adorable. his second puppet? oh, he curled two pieces of black yarn, glued them under a black hat. made a jew. named him jewwy jewington. made a song about him.

we’re sure going to hell!

i got:

————————————————————————

I wipe mine with a piece of steak, medium rare – never overcook it – then take a walk down to the store and make a concoction of chutney and mild antipasto. After watching Dr. Strangelove and enjoying a Monte Cristo #1 with a nice Remy I get a cloth and wipe it all off with pure rainwater (so as to not to sap and impurify my precious bodily fluids.). . . or sometimes I just use alchohol and water with a soft cloth.

I used a 2 horsepower pressure washer on my LCD screen. It came clean, however it left a hole in my screen. Wouldn’t recommend it.

I used a combination of sulfuric acid and grain alchohol to clean my screen..worked pretty good till my screen melted and caught on fire…oops

I use Comet and a belt sander to clean my laptop. I get somewhat less than stellar results though, I suppose.

When I purchase a new LCD the first thing I do is cover it with Saran wrap to prevent any dust. If I am in a dust storm then I store it in a plastic bubble to protect it from debris. Okay. Thanks very much.

I have an Elvis thing going with my laptop. Every time I log into my DMOZ editors dashboard I reach for my gun and threaten the screen. Hard to wipe away a bullet hole.

My brother got mad and put nail polish all over
my screen. I got a knife and scraped it clean…

then i dumped it in windex
then i dumped it in alcohol
then i dumped it in red wine…

Somehow my LCD managed to get a smear of AstroGlide personal lubricant on it (go figure)… this is proving IMPOSSIBLE to remove… I’ve tried a moistened cotton towel, than some $20 a bottle Monster ScreenClean to no avail. Help?

(ew!)

I use my arse. It sticks a bit when I try and wipe across the screen but it is certainly an improvement.

I use my old underwear. The only problem is the brown skid marks they leave.

My three year old took a good ol’ ball point pen to my 19″ ViewSonic LCD. I took care of him with a spankin’ and the monitor with 70% alcohol. Both worked like a charm.

(mmm hmm! child abuse and alcohol! that’s how i clean MY screen!)

well i usualy take the sock im wearing… (its usualy already sweaty) spit on it and smudge it around a bit, then use it to clean my LCD

I use sandpaper on the real tuff spots…Works great getting them off

I got a ’05 NEC MultiSync LCD1935NXM, i had one greasy finger as someone was trying to move the mouse pointer with their fingers… anyway…water and soap did the job for me… and after that just dry it out in the sun… Works like a charm.

(they tried to move the mouse pointer with their fingers?? what is this guy, living in a preschool?)

I use sos pads razor scraper works well,gets all the food off

(what THE hell are these people doing to their laptops?)

I usually just replace the monitor when it gets dirty. I know it’s expensive, but hey…

I used a naked girl’s butt and had her rub around on the LCD. It didn’t help clean the screen, but it’s the best thing you can do in this list.

I use my arse. It sticks a bit when I try and wipe across the screen but it is certainly an improvement.

Ok, now some people may have a REALLY hard time cleanign their LCD monitors and televisions, but i was born to make it even harder. Now this is so difficult it may cause extremely bad headaches.
First I will tell you what happened to me. My little brother and me were painting a room for my mom, and i took my eyes off him for one second and he went into MY room and had COVERED my entire computer system including tower, LCD, and printer with PINK paint!!!!!!!!! And also let me mention that i had just bought this computer. I wanted to put him through osmosis. So what did i do? I cleaned it. Here’s how to clean an LCD monitor (even with pink paint on it.)

Listen Carefully:
Step 1 Go to Kitchen
Step 2 Get CLEAN dish cloth
Step 3 Wet dish cloth
Step 4 Wring out cloth well
Step 5 Go back to LCD
Step 6 Start cleaning
Step 7 Rub so lightly that its almost like dust you dont wanna move, like only as hard as the weight of the damp cloth.
Step 8 Clean Monitor

Sorry that was sooo hard

(osmosis? osmosis?? this guy. and his brother painted the computer? what is he, in preschool? who lets a preschooler paint??)

Clean LCD screen is a more popular search than i expected. The alcohol solution on my old nightshirt worked beautifully. I poured some alcohol through the slot on the floppy drive and it updated my BIOS! Excellent!

I’m looking for some tips. I recently purchased a Compaq Presario R3000. I use it at school and home. I wanted to know what I can buy to clean the outside with (I assume it’s plastic) and what to clean my LCD screen with. I’m looking for a product that is already made…I don’t trust myself with diluting alcohol.

(yeah. diluting alcohol with water is like, hard, man!)

2 words…Duct Tape!!

I ejaculate on my screen and let the dog lick it off..havent had to clean it for 2 years but i still let my dog have a treat now and then

I always an industrial floor buffer to clean my laptop screen. Open out your laptop screen to the max(180 degrees), lie it face up on a hard gravel surface…perhaps on your driveway and away you go!!!
If you wrap some nice soft microfiber cloth over the cleaning disk of the machine then it shouldn’t damage the screen.

P.s. Always use a circuit breaker when using the industrial buffer outdoors!

YOU GODDAMN NERDS!

(niiiiiiiiice. you kiss your mama with those fingers? i like how wanting to know the best way to clean an investment you probably spent at least a grand purchasing makes these guys nerds. ha! nerds.)

I use a pair of my underwear and some Finlandia vodka. Or at least that’s what I assumed waking up with an empty bottle and my underwear in my hand, with my head on the keyboard. I must have been cleaning SOMETHING, although my LCD screen has a few white spots. (dead pixels?) I can still make out the impression of the keys on my forehead, and my girlfriend wont shut up about the email that I sent her that was full of the letter ‘h’.

i shot my lcd monitors with a silver plated desert eagle that had my name enscribed in it… then i shot my self in the head

Every time I clean my screen,I usually use the same process they used on Linda Blair In the movie the Exorcist….I Bring In two catholic priests,both with bottles of the 50/50 solution.
The 50/50 mix is 50% holly water 50% achohol.
Then you can only Imagine the rest of the Story.
If Im having a really bad day,I stop at the 99 cent store and pick up about 10 Plastic crosses and use these as added Insurance….

I use a combination of diesel fuel and 97octane gasoline, dip a piece of 80grit sand paper in it and then scrub the screen vertically only. results are fantastic.

Why is everything so complicated? Screw the alcohol, or water, or buying extra crap. I just toss mine in the washing machine and use the delicates setting. A little extra softener really makes it smell WONDERFUL. However, I highly recommend that you not use the drier. If you do, use it on the delicates mode, and only run it for fifteen minutes. Then, pull it out and let it air dry. It should be good to go in a couple of hours.

The best thing to do when your screen is dirty, is throw it away and buy a new one. That gives the best result.

The best way to clean LCD screens is to use a coarse steel wool pad with a circular rubbing motion… works like a charm!

Theres only one way to clean off a lcd screen, use a wire brush and a bucket of petrol its the best beleive me .Also if you have some old tatoos your fed up with you can scrub them off at the same time and it woks a treat on bird poo if you have any on the car.

First, I take a boxcutter and scrape out sections of the screen with stains. Then you can rinse the monitor off with your garden hose after peeing on it. Also, make sure you pee into the vents on the back of the montor. Then to dry it, use a low grit sandpaper followed by smooth, circular motions with a banana peel dipped in diesel fuel and dog shit. (Make sure you use circular motions). When you’re done, if you didn’t eat that banana, you can shove it up your ass.

(he has to scrape off the stains with a razor?? what the hell is he DOING in front of that laptop?? i dunno. this guy sounds like he’s comin’ off a twenty year stint for serial murders.)

P.S. I opened my computer and poured water onto the motherboard, and now my sound card problem is gone!

My screen is so dirty the dirt comes up in screenshots

(what does that even MEAN??)

i go down to the local college’s particle accelerator and climb inside of a giant solenoid with my laptop and ask the janitor to turn it on. then i hold on for dear life to the laptop as the magnetic field tries to pull it out of my hands. this generally removes the dust particles which can also respond to the magnetic field. sometimes i forget that i have my keys in my pocket so they rip through my shorts and go flying.

if there is a pesky spot, i ask an experimenter if i can borrow some accelerated particles. i then proceed to zap the monitor with protons moving at near the speed of light. thanks to my wonderful theory of special relativity, the lcd screen takes no damage from the protons moving so fast and exploding into smaller particles upon impact.

I use my Mom to clean my screen.
It’s free and invisible too!
I just leave the room for a few moments and Voila! Just like new.

(your mom is googling this as i type….)

i have a laptop and i have cleaned it many times. The best solution for it is to mix about a 1:1 ratio of Sherry Wine and Sprite. The wine takes all the grease and grime off the screen and the sprite gives a little sparkle to the screen.

peeing on it really works…find it hard to beleive? I hear urine does have good cleaning properties…maybe i will try it

I use lesbians.
They lick plastic good.
(Especially grape flavored)

(oh good. i’m glad i bought the grape flavored laptop!)

Dishwasher, top rack.

Peanut butter and honey,,,with a papertowel works well…and makes a tasty snack~!~

I simply dunk my ibook in a basin full of water and then throw it into the freezer and a few hours later, I take it out and chip the ice off of it wih a hammer and crowbar ! Simple and time consuming! it works wonders!

just deep fry it.

I use Vodka in a 1 to 3 ration with water, then add Orange juice when i’m done

i use toilet bowl cleaner, it works the best. dont use windex.

Yes, I slit my arm with an exacto, then dribble the blood onto a leather jacket. Rub the screen. Works great and has a neat effect!

Sarita said: anyone know how to make a 50% alcohol/water solution from 70% alcohol?

Steel wool and Jose Cuervo works great

Sarita: are you kidding? Isn’t that a 6th grade math problem?
yeah?

I use my wifes silk panties to clean my LCD, but she gets a bit shirty having to take them off frequently when my friends come around to do a group assignment(why is that?)

Yeah you all have a lot of great plans to clean the screen. Yet I’ve most all of them on my 21″ LCD and they just doen’t get it as clean as I would like. One method I think seems to work best is to carefuly slide the entire screen up your ass and then walk a mile. May not clean like soap, but feels a hell of alot better though!

I just let my puppy lick it clean, just kidding!

I found a GREAT way to clean monitors.
I’ve used it several times and surprisingly it works..
Unplug your monitor and put it in the dishwasher…but use alcohol as a cleaning solution. Crazy huh?
This also works well with laptops, removes every bit of dirt, etc..CLEANS sooooooooooo well I can’t believe it.

You can also trying pissing on your monitor…but piss lightly, if you piss too hard it can sometimes damage the lcd. A solution of 1 part feces and 1 part piss works well too, but sometimes you need a can of aerosol after your done, just depends on what you had for dinner that night. If you had anything spicy use a .25 part to .75 piss.

(sigh. i ? the interweb!)