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it doesn’t take a terribly long time to realize you’re growing up. nor does it happen in the wink of an eye. there is no magical, golden moment. the world doesn’t suddenly alight with a strange aura wherein the angels of heaven come singing with one voice about how, today, the decree has been passed [...]
look. here’s a great idea. i mean, if you’re looking for something to do. find a woman, right? make sure she’s a vulnerable type or this won’t work. take her out to dinner. tell her she looks pretty. something. i don’t know. make it up. then take her home. sweet talk her a little bit. [...]
hey listen, i want to clear something up: just because you come up with some witty new words that aren’t really words like “catastrophuck” and “blogviate” and “truthiness” and just because you can sit around on your high horse and talk about how everybody else is doing it wrong and you would do it so [...]
the thing about meeting your SO’s family is that you want to do it, but you really, really don’t want to do it. i mean, you do. but you’d rather not. clear enough for you? i’m supposed to up and fly to maine next month for matt’s sister’s wedding. there i will meet everyone in [...]
“o god. i’ll be sacked!” those were my first words this morning. i’ve been having some pretty odd dreams lately. weird stuff that makes no sense but it all seems so real. like last night i dreamed that i stole $30,000 from work somehow and i spent the whole dream lying through my teeth trying [...]
oh. hello. i forgot you were here. i mean, naturally, i knew you were here. i just, sort of… — well let’s not waste what precious time we have together bickering over what i’ve been doing with my time when i clearly should have been paying more attention to you. the first time i was [...]
i do have something to say. here’s what i don’t get about us: we pluck and we shave. religiously. fanatically. we wax. tweeze. exfoliate. we diet and tan and exercise and accessorize and obsess about our hair and makeup and clothes and shoes. pedicures. manicures. perms. straighteners. colors. bleaches. botox. plastic surgery. boob jobs. ass [...]
i’m not a femi-nazi lunatic. not generally. i mean, i’m all for equal rights for women so long as we end up doing what The Men tell us to. and i really think, you know, everyone should be treated the same. regardless of whether they have dangly bits or an innie. but in no way [...]
someone came to me yesterday via msn. their search phrase? “oversexed grandmothers” ew! just — EW! what is wrong with you people? don’t you ever search for normal things anymore? recipes? help with math homework? pamela anderson’s sex tape? lyrics to my sharona by the knack? what’s with the gross? ew! shame on you! this [...]
i realize i’m not very patient all the time. sometimes i can be quite impatient and mean. i’m working on it, i really am. but ffs enough is enough. i swear to god in his imaginary heaven if my assistant doesn’t learn to chew with her goddamn mouth closed or stop eating in the office [...]
